.Closed.

Color landscapes

echoing vividly

Surround the wind

feel it thrusting within

Close your eyes

and feel the dewdrops

to your skin

Brush your feet

Skip and fall down

to the velvet lawn

Close your eyes

and close your eyes still

Extend your arms

slowly, gently

And to a deafening speed

take your flight

as you carry your soul

to the wind

Jaded,

Contoured;

Your mind is set on falling

Drifting,

Sliding;

with the cold mist,

Capturing the first day

of Autumn

Leaves swirling around your feet

as you wade through

And bathe yourself

with sunshine dim
Your head feeling heavy

as you look straight up

And there you saw

the fullness of it all;

the mirror of your vanity

And there you whisper…

Shower my paradise with beaches sand

and tomorrows kept…

As you laugh with the whirling

of the clouds

Dewdrops now intensifying.

Now open your hands

and feel the teardrops

of the sky

as it wipe down your cheeks,

to your feet

telling . . .

The day has come

for you

to be free.

0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0

-----

note: Exactly a year ago, my mother passed away. And I unfear I inherited the gene that took her away. Maybe in this way we are still together. Maybe in this way, she is still in me and I in her. And today, I envy her peace.

.DEAD BUTTERFLIES.

Have you ever felt tired of living? Have you ever felt that the end of the world is near? Have you ever wished for it to come true? Have you ever felt that nobody loves you? Have you ever felt so alone as if you're the only person in the world? Like nobody wants to listen; noody's there when you look around you? Have you ever felt like you're standing in a crowded room, shouting at the top of your voice yet nobody hears? Or, have you felt everyone's watching your every move? Have you ever painted your room using a stamp? Have you ever thought of dying? Do you think that death is the solution to loneliness? Have you ever wondered what was it like in the other side? Do you think there is another side? Have you ever seen a dead person hanging in front of you? Have you ever thought of hanging yourself? Have you ever thought of shooting your former lover with a silencer? Have you ever felt that you won't be alive the next day? Have you ever felt that you have no future? Have you ever felt that you are seriously psychotic? Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Have you ever thought of being a serial killer someday? Have you ever hit yourself so hard you want to damage your brains? Have you ever hid inside the cabinet overnight or under the piano? Have you lost your fear in death? Have you ever felt so numb you don't wanna speak for days? Have you ever felt being immune to all the emotions in the world? Did you ever feel that you are nothing? Have you ever cried so long that you almost can't open your eyes the next day? Have you ever failed in everything? Were you the victim of your own faults? Have you ever been obsessed in the thought of dying? Have you ever been obsessed with a bisexual? Have you ever had a crush on a stuffed toy? Did you ever think of making candies out of dead butterflies? I did.
-----
note: Here's somethin i've written almost a decade ago. And it still leaves that sting in my thoughts.

My Screensaver Marquee in Black Background Papyrus Fuchsia text

And the darkest night passes by not a blink not a sigh come fill down the emptiness a hallow spell a deep revenge to the sanity I once tasted laid back to the stillness of the sound no difference of staring and sleeping eyes wide shut to the sensation

----
note: My words would have sounded better if spoken by Alison Shaw [The Cranes] with background music of hunting heavy echo of ambient sounds and clattering percussion loops.

my lips that taste of tears

(Escape) the Inescapable

And I am locked up in a place

where no one else has the right

to be. I’ve written so much,

my walls are empty. I dreamt of dreams

where nightmares are insect bites.

I’ve done things to get other things

off my mind. I have escaped

from the reality I once thronged.

And I’ve seen people virtually invisible

as I am. But we are locked up in our own cells

away from each of our identity.

Although we all share one thought…

hiding another helpless malaise soul

from this world.

Torn page from a book

"She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, leaning back on the cushion, one felted foot on the floor. The wooden floor slanted, a little steel ball would have rolled into the kitchen. I knew all i wanted to know. I had no intention of torturing my darling. Somewhere beyond Bill's shack an afterwork radio had begun singing of folly and fate, and there she was in her ruined looks and her adult, rope-veined narrow hands and her goose-flesh white arms, and her shallow ears, and her unkempt armpits, there she was (my Lolita!), hopelessly worn at seventeen, with that baby, dreaming already in her becoming a big shot and retiring around 2020 A.D.-and I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else.

She was the only faint violet whiff and dead leaf echo of the nymphet I had rolled myself upon with such cries in the past; an echo on the brink of a russet ravine, with a far wood under a white sky, and brown leaves chocking the brook, and one last cricket in the crisp weeds . . .but thank God it was not that echo alone that I worshiped. What I used to pamper among the tangled veins of my heart, mon grand pêché radieux, had dwindled to its essence: sterile and selfish vice, all that i cancelled and cursed. You may jeer at me, and threaten to clear the court, but until I am gagged and half throttled, I will shout my poor truth. I insist the world know how much I loved my Lolita, pale and polluted, and big with another's child, but still grey-eyed still sooty-lashed, still auburn and almond, still mine...even if those eyes of hers would fade to myopic fish, and her nipples swell and crack, and her lovely young velvety delicate delta be tainted and torn-even then I would go mad with tenderness at the mere side of your dear wan face, at the mere sound of your raucous young voice, my Lolita."
------
note: Vladimir Nabokov really blows my mind. Wish someone adores me as such.

P¤§+iNg û§ïNg M¥ m¤BÏLé pH¤NË

Just trying 2 paste some mms pics. Too bad i dunno how.
Haha... Im still alive. Tho i dunno if i shovld b happy or not. Getting rid of a 10cm blob, or is it blog, is so fvckin' painful!

demented sunshine girl

As much as I'd like to hang-out much longer, I'm taking a break for a while from everything concerning the outside world, the inside world and the cyber world. No, not because of the holidays (blah!), and not because I had a recent fight with someone dear to me. I do not know when I'm coming back or if I'm coming back. If I do, it'll be nice. If I don't ...hmmm....

Anyway, I'll send kisses to everyone who influenced me and/or touched my life in their own special way....or vice versa.

Nothing much left to say. Is this goodbye? Maybe. Maybe not.

-----
note: Have fun with my links.
note no.2: Velvet now sleeps in her coffin.

Anyone Else Isn't You

by: Fieldmice

sad am i

im sadder than sad

i miss you so i miss you so

i cannot picture myself ever

ever being happy again

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

sad am i, i am heartbroken

i'm even close to take my life

i cannot picture myself ever

ever being happy again

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

souvlaki

Slowdive n Dagger

The sunshine girl is sleeping

She falls and dreams alone

And me I am her dagger

Too numb to feel her pain

The world is full of noises

I hear it all the time

And me I am your dagger

You know I am your world

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

She whispers while I'm sleeping

I love you when you smile

I didn't really lose you

I just lost it for a while

The world is full of noises

I hear it all the time

You know I am your dagger

You know I am your wound

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

----

note: this is not the album where "Dagger" is found, but i like this cover better than Souvlaki and I've been trying to post the souvlaki cover but since it's in zip, I can't anyway.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In One Little Corner *.*

Spare me
the doubt of twilight
yield
to the corner
of my mind
and I am
trapped
within the boundaries
of my thoughts.

Come
torture me
to the depths
of my
unfulfilled me
and eat
the flesh
of my broken dreams

I cannot portray
the shaping
of the moon

and growl to the heights
of wild screams.

Gone in forever agony
No cure
No hope
No serenity.
useless
useless
useless me.
Nothing to blame.
Nothing.
no one…

Eudaimonia

Can you squeeze out all
the agony in me?
I am not worthy
of what you call apathy.
Shame wrapped me
in the arms of tender misery
and all my friends have gone.
And my shadow have faded
Beat up the dust
of the starless night
across all wisdom
and dried up pieces
Come down and surround me
fall on my Great shower of pain
and wash down amends paid
for my faults.
And I lift the barrier
Forsaken.
Destroyed.
Treat my ego
with foregone treachery
Lay down for me
Die down.
Let fade.

XYZ

I'll See You in My Dreams, Sometimes Loving is the Hardest Thing, Soon is Never Soon Enough, XYZ...

Shadow

you are the shadow of my mind
you live in the shadow of my thoughts
you are something wonderful
wrapped in sorrow and deceit
why can’t he be like you?
I am all alone knowing
I can never reach you . . .
And I never want to be alone
anymore.

and i'd like it to never end

cranes -- forever ...everywhere, cloudless, jewel (robert smith remix), far away, adrift, clear, sun and sky, and ever, golden, rainbows, shine like stars
...the titles speak for itself. read them continuosly. read between the lines. and oh, that's how i feel today...

….. PARALLEL UNIVERSE …..

I stare. An empty gaze into nothing.
Into an illusion of an object I see.
And now I know and yet I don’t understand.
And what is this in front of me?
An image of an imaginary life.
Thrown back into the thought again.
Shadows and lullabies.
Tomorrows said goodbye.
And my memory fades and my movement halts.
And I stare.
A blank stare.
Nothing to think about, nothing to do.
No problems unsolved.
No worries to befall.
And yet in this small world within limitless boundaries,
I found peace.
And yet, the turmoil of an undeciphered heart
wraps the question of yesterday and now.

Wind blows hard, still no muscles bound,
bound to change.
And so I drift together with the wind.
And I won’t smile, and I won’t frown.
I stretch my soul to touch the clouds and make it mine.
And I tie it with my sorrow and I burn it with my misery.
Let it die.
Let it fade.
Burst it into tears of rainy days’ summer
and dry season’s winter.
And I stare.
Into an empty space and time.
Movements gone. Following me down.
And I drain an envelop lust for space.
The void I see in front of me,
asking to enter within.
And I see another me …...
staring.

I've finally succeeded in posting a picture. haha.. 

Femme Fatale

I have a bad hobby. And its driving me nuts. When I do it, I think about impossible possibilities miles away beyond my reach. This is a sin and im not ashamed to look practically pathetic and plainly stupid.