Close your eyes
Brush your feet
Close your eyes
And to a deafening speed
Leaves swirling around your feet
Your head feeling heavy
And there you whisper…
Dewdrops now intensifying.
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Have you ever felt tired of living? Have you ever felt that the end of the world is near? Have you ever wished for it to come true? Have you ever felt that nobody loves you? Have you ever felt so alone as if you're the only person in the world? Like nobody wants to listen; noody's there when you look around you? Have you ever felt like you're standing in a crowded room, shouting at the top of your voice yet nobody hears? Or, have you felt everyone's watching your every move? Have you ever painted your room using a stamp? Have you ever thought of dying? Do you think that death is the solution to loneliness? Have you ever wondered what was it like in the other side? Do you think there is another side? Have you ever seen a dead person hanging in front of you? Have you ever thought of hanging yourself? Have you ever thought of shooting your former lover with a silencer? Have you ever felt that you won't be alive the next day? Have you ever felt that you have no future? Have you ever felt that you are seriously psychotic? Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Have you ever thought of being a serial killer someday? Have you ever hit yourself so hard you want to damage your brains? Have you ever hid inside the cabinet overnight or under the piano? Have you lost your fear in death? Have you ever felt so numb you don't wanna speak for days? Have you ever felt being immune to all the emotions in the world? Did you ever feel that you are nothing? Have you ever cried so long that you almost can't open your eyes the next day? Have you ever failed in everything? Were you the victim of your own faults? Have you ever been obsessed in the thought of dying? Have you ever been obsessed with a bisexual? Have you ever had a crush on a stuffed toy? Did you ever think of making candies out of dead butterflies? I did.
And the darkest night passes by not a blink not a sigh come fill down the emptiness a hallow spell a deep revenge to the sanity I once tasted laid back to the stillness of the sound no difference of staring and sleeping eyes wide shut to the sensation
And I am locked up in a place
where no one else has the right
to be. I’ve written so much,
my walls are empty. I dreamt of dreams
where nightmares are insect bites.
I’ve done things to get other things
off my mind. I have escaped
from the reality I once thronged.
And I’ve seen people virtually invisible
as I am. But we are locked up in our own cells
away from each of our identity.
Although we all share one thought…
hiding another helpless malaise soul
from this world.
"She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, leaning back on the cushion, one felted foot on the floor. The wooden floor slanted, a little steel ball would have rolled into the kitchen. I knew all i wanted to know. I had no intention of torturing my darling. Somewhere beyond Bill's shack an afterwork radio had begun singing of folly and fate, and there she was in her ruined looks and her adult, rope-veined narrow hands and her goose-flesh white arms, and her shallow ears, and her unkempt armpits, there she was (my Lolita!), hopelessly worn at seventeen, with that baby, dreaming already in her becoming a big shot and retiring around 2020 A.D.-and I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else.
Just trying 2 paste some mms pics. Too bad i dunno how.
As much as I'd like to hang-out much longer, I'm taking a break for a while from everything concerning the outside world, the inside world and the cyber world. No, not because of the holidays (blah!), and not because I had a recent fight with someone dear to me. I do not know when I'm coming back or if I'm coming back. If I do, it'll be nice. If I don't ...hmmm....
Can you squeeze out all
you are the shadow of my mind
I stare. An empty gaze into nothing.
I have a bad hobby. And its driving me nuts. When I do it, I think about impossible possibilities miles away beyond my reach. This is a sin and im not ashamed to look practically pathetic and plainly stupid. Im tired of writing sexual fantasies and sending them to the person most important to me. not because I wouldn’t like any in reality, but because the more I think about it, the more I desperately want to search for him. My bad hobby brought me to the end of my rope to leap into the shallowness of my mind. And without strings attached I jumped in and dove in deeper. Without thinking. Just feeling. Forcing myself further, with no assurance of my return. This bad hobby, as may be unsounded to others, brings me to satisfaction, intellectually, spiritually; and giving consent for my material body to be degraded. Stimulate me to the heights of the farthest corner of space and time. I know of no other refuge. I know of no other salvation. It’s a one sided mirror and a tango with one foot. Less than one. Less than half. I ask of no forgiveness for being too addicted. This is my obsession and my demise. Pages of thoughts left unsaid. I blend in into the white background. Not knowing, not being known. My entity once evolved me, now I create the silence of a thousand leaves. And I shape my mind to knowing, condition my body into feeling. My bad hobby I shall never take away.
shouting out to a depth of emptiness
NEW DELHI-A Brazilian-born soccer player with an Indian club collapsed and died on Sunday, moments after scoring his second goal in his team's 2-0 victory.
We started a story whose end must not wait.
…and im desperately grasping for air. I lost contact with reality the moment I didn’t find you there. maybe under the stars our souls will take flight maybe by the sound dust we drift to a common site, then again, maybe, the shadows wrapping our worlds will keep us apart... do we risk disappointments from real facts? maybe. maybe not.
I don’t care if anyone would bother to read this. I foresee this to be a long post. Maybe I need to see a psychologist, or better yet a psychiatrist.
falling inlove again... with my pc that is. a fine day for reconcilliation.
I am insane. Nothing makes meaning to me. Whatever I do, however I think. I’ve been feeling numb since the day I first remember. I have no voice. I cannot speak. I cannot breathe. I don’t need to take this shit from you, from all of you…
Late night thinking
1. wake up, smoke, and miss you
im thinking of posting articles from diff 'zines. im thinking of lightening up a bit. maybe put up some interview with some nobody. maybe post some pictures or album covers. although i do not know how. or impatient to wait for a complete upload. dial-up sucks. cable sucks even more. dsl sucks. and having no money make it all suck. im still waiting for my phone bill. i think there is some hidden fee from this site. i think the magna carta for students are long time overdue. students here in the philippines need better teachers. i was never allowed to any youth for christ campout. i think sonic youth's latest album, sonic nurse is a storm! three storms just passed by the country this week. and expecting another one this week. at least 420 people died. thousands lost their homes. hundreds more still missing. i miss my boyfriend from another continent. wish i had a webcam. wish i know what italian composer Paolo Conte was singing about. i think im about to finish my downloads. Low Dream from Brazil is so damn COOL! wish i could post an interview with them here. Another new found obsession: Angels of Light. fave song: Song for Nico. are they found in amg? i found my lost suitcase. inside my wallet. er, or was it the other way around? i always jog around the block twice every morning. its already 4am and my pillows are still rejecting me. i think i need to buy new ones. i think The cranes' Beautiful Sadness is skipping. damn download! it is skipping! i think its about 20 degrees here. i think in london its 6. i think id eat snow for breakfast. oh i forgot, it doesn't snow here. i think thinking too much would make my face look older. i think i forgot to buy another pack of fish crackers. i think i need a smoke. pass me the pot please...
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