.Closed.

Color landscapes

echoing vividly

Surround the wind

feel it thrusting within

Close your eyes

and feel the dewdrops

to your skin

Brush your feet

Skip and fall down

to the velvet lawn

Close your eyes

and close your eyes still

Extend your arms

slowly, gently

And to a deafening speed

take your flight

as you carry your soul

to the wind

Jaded,

Contoured;

Your mind is set on falling

Drifting,

Sliding;

with the cold mist,

Capturing the first day

of Autumn

Leaves swirling around your feet

as you wade through

And bathe yourself

with sunshine dim
Your head feeling heavy

as you look straight up

And there you saw

the fullness of it all;

the mirror of your vanity

And there you whisper…

Shower my paradise with beaches sand

and tomorrows kept…

As you laugh with the whirling

of the clouds

Dewdrops now intensifying.

Now open your hands

and feel the teardrops

of the sky

as it wipe down your cheeks,

to your feet

telling . . .

The day has come

for you

to be free.

0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0

-----

note: Exactly a year ago, my mother passed away. And I unfear I inherited the gene that took her away. Maybe in this way we are still together. Maybe in this way, she is still in me and I in her. And today, I envy her peace.

.DEAD BUTTERFLIES.

Have you ever felt tired of living? Have you ever felt that the end of the world is near? Have you ever wished for it to come true? Have you ever felt that nobody loves you? Have you ever felt so alone as if you're the only person in the world? Like nobody wants to listen; noody's there when you look around you? Have you ever felt like you're standing in a crowded room, shouting at the top of your voice yet nobody hears? Or, have you felt everyone's watching your every move? Have you ever painted your room using a stamp? Have you ever thought of dying? Do you think that death is the solution to loneliness? Have you ever wondered what was it like in the other side? Do you think there is another side? Have you ever seen a dead person hanging in front of you? Have you ever thought of hanging yourself? Have you ever thought of shooting your former lover with a silencer? Have you ever felt that you won't be alive the next day? Have you ever felt that you have no future? Have you ever felt that you are seriously psychotic? Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Have you ever thought of being a serial killer someday? Have you ever hit yourself so hard you want to damage your brains? Have you ever hid inside the cabinet overnight or under the piano? Have you lost your fear in death? Have you ever felt so numb you don't wanna speak for days? Have you ever felt being immune to all the emotions in the world? Did you ever feel that you are nothing? Have you ever cried so long that you almost can't open your eyes the next day? Have you ever failed in everything? Were you the victim of your own faults? Have you ever been obsessed in the thought of dying? Have you ever been obsessed with a bisexual? Have you ever had a crush on a stuffed toy? Did you ever think of making candies out of dead butterflies? I did.
-----
note: Here's somethin i've written almost a decade ago. And it still leaves that sting in my thoughts.

My Screensaver Marquee in Black Background Papyrus Fuchsia text

And the darkest night passes by not a blink not a sigh come fill down the emptiness a hallow spell a deep revenge to the sanity I once tasted laid back to the stillness of the sound no difference of staring and sleeping eyes wide shut to the sensation

----
note: My words would have sounded better if spoken by Alison Shaw [The Cranes] with background music of hunting heavy echo of ambient sounds and clattering percussion loops.

my lips that taste of tears

(Escape) the Inescapable

And I am locked up in a place

where no one else has the right

to be. I’ve written so much,

my walls are empty. I dreamt of dreams

where nightmares are insect bites.

I’ve done things to get other things

off my mind. I have escaped

from the reality I once thronged.

And I’ve seen people virtually invisible

as I am. But we are locked up in our own cells

away from each of our identity.

Although we all share one thought…

hiding another helpless malaise soul

from this world.

Torn page from a book

"She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, leaning back on the cushion, one felted foot on the floor. The wooden floor slanted, a little steel ball would have rolled into the kitchen. I knew all i wanted to know. I had no intention of torturing my darling. Somewhere beyond Bill's shack an afterwork radio had begun singing of folly and fate, and there she was in her ruined looks and her adult, rope-veined narrow hands and her goose-flesh white arms, and her shallow ears, and her unkempt armpits, there she was (my Lolita!), hopelessly worn at seventeen, with that baby, dreaming already in her becoming a big shot and retiring around 2020 A.D.-and I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else.

She was the only faint violet whiff and dead leaf echo of the nymphet I had rolled myself upon with such cries in the past; an echo on the brink of a russet ravine, with a far wood under a white sky, and brown leaves chocking the brook, and one last cricket in the crisp weeds . . .but thank God it was not that echo alone that I worshiped. What I used to pamper among the tangled veins of my heart, mon grand pêché radieux, had dwindled to its essence: sterile and selfish vice, all that i cancelled and cursed. You may jeer at me, and threaten to clear the court, but until I am gagged and half throttled, I will shout my poor truth. I insist the world know how much I loved my Lolita, pale and polluted, and big with another's child, but still grey-eyed still sooty-lashed, still auburn and almond, still mine...even if those eyes of hers would fade to myopic fish, and her nipples swell and crack, and her lovely young velvety delicate delta be tainted and torn-even then I would go mad with tenderness at the mere side of your dear wan face, at the mere sound of your raucous young voice, my Lolita."
------
note: Vladimir Nabokov really blows my mind. Wish someone adores me as such.

P¤§+iNg û§ïNg M¥ m¤BÏLé pH¤NË

Just trying 2 paste some mms pics. Too bad i dunno how.
Haha... Im still alive. Tho i dunno if i shovld b happy or not. Getting rid of a 10cm blob, or is it blog, is so fvckin' painful!

demented sunshine girl

As much as I'd like to hang-out much longer, I'm taking a break for a while from everything concerning the outside world, the inside world and the cyber world. No, not because of the holidays (blah!), and not because I had a recent fight with someone dear to me. I do not know when I'm coming back or if I'm coming back. If I do, it'll be nice. If I don't ...hmmm....

Anyway, I'll send kisses to everyone who influenced me and/or touched my life in their own special way....or vice versa.

Nothing much left to say. Is this goodbye? Maybe. Maybe not.

-----
note: Have fun with my links.
note no.2: Velvet now sleeps in her coffin.

Anyone Else Isn't You

by: Fieldmice

sad am i

im sadder than sad

i miss you so i miss you so

i cannot picture myself ever

ever being happy again

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

sad am i, i am heartbroken

i'm even close to take my life

i cannot picture myself ever

ever being happy again

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

other than you i want no one

and if i cant have you

i want to be alone

anyone else isn't you

and if they're not you

i dont want to know.

souvlaki

Slowdive n Dagger

The sunshine girl is sleeping

She falls and dreams alone

And me I am her dagger

Too numb to feel her pain

The world is full of noises

I hear it all the time

And me I am your dagger

You know I am your world

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

She whispers while I'm sleeping

I love you when you smile

I didn't really lose you

I just lost it for a while

The world is full of noises

I hear it all the time

You know I am your dagger

You know I am your wound

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

I thought I heard you whisper

It happens all the time

----

note: this is not the album where "Dagger" is found, but i like this cover better than Souvlaki and I've been trying to post the souvlaki cover but since it's in zip, I can't anyway.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In One Little Corner *.*

Spare me
the doubt of twilight
yield
to the corner
of my mind
and I am
trapped
within the boundaries
of my thoughts.

Come
torture me
to the depths
of my
unfulfilled me
and eat
the flesh
of my broken dreams

I cannot portray
the shaping
of the moon

and growl to the heights
of wild screams.

Gone in forever agony
No cure
No hope
No serenity.
useless
useless
useless me.
Nothing to blame.
Nothing.
no one…

Eudaimonia

Can you squeeze out all
the agony in me?
I am not worthy
of what you call apathy.
Shame wrapped me
in the arms of tender misery
and all my friends have gone.
And my shadow have faded
Beat up the dust
of the starless night
across all wisdom
and dried up pieces
Come down and surround me
fall on my Great shower of pain
and wash down amends paid
for my faults.
And I lift the barrier
Forsaken.
Destroyed.
Treat my ego
with foregone treachery
Lay down for me
Die down.
Let fade.

XYZ

I'll See You in My Dreams, Sometimes Loving is the Hardest Thing, Soon is Never Soon Enough, XYZ...

Shadow

you are the shadow of my mind
you live in the shadow of my thoughts
you are something wonderful
wrapped in sorrow and deceit
why can’t he be like you?
I am all alone knowing
I can never reach you . . .
And I never want to be alone
anymore.

and i'd like it to never end

cranes -- forever ...everywhere, cloudless, jewel (robert smith remix), far away, adrift, clear, sun and sky, and ever, golden, rainbows, shine like stars
...the titles speak for itself. read them continuosly. read between the lines. and oh, that's how i feel today...

….. PARALLEL UNIVERSE …..

I stare. An empty gaze into nothing.
Into an illusion of an object I see.
And now I know and yet I don’t understand.
And what is this in front of me?
An image of an imaginary life.
Thrown back into the thought again.
Shadows and lullabies.
Tomorrows said goodbye.
And my memory fades and my movement halts.
And I stare.
A blank stare.
Nothing to think about, nothing to do.
No problems unsolved.
No worries to befall.
And yet in this small world within limitless boundaries,
I found peace.
And yet, the turmoil of an undeciphered heart
wraps the question of yesterday and now.

Wind blows hard, still no muscles bound,
bound to change.
And so I drift together with the wind.
And I won’t smile, and I won’t frown.
I stretch my soul to touch the clouds and make it mine.
And I tie it with my sorrow and I burn it with my misery.
Let it die.
Let it fade.
Burst it into tears of rainy days’ summer
and dry season’s winter.
And I stare.
Into an empty space and time.
Movements gone. Following me down.
And I drain an envelop lust for space.
The void I see in front of me,
asking to enter within.
And I see another me …...
staring.

I've finally succeeded in posting a picture. haha.. 

Femme Fatale

I have a bad hobby. And its driving me nuts. When I do it, I think about impossible possibilities miles away beyond my reach. This is a sin and im not ashamed to look practically pathetic and plainly stupid. Im tired of writing sexual fantasies and sending them to the person most important to me. not because I wouldn’t like any in reality, but because the more I think about it, the more I desperately want to search for him. My bad hobby brought me to the end of my rope to leap into the shallowness of my mind. And without strings attached I jumped in and dove in deeper. Without thinking. Just feeling. Forcing myself further, with no assurance of my return. This bad hobby, as may be unsounded to others, brings me to satisfaction, intellectually, spiritually; and giving consent for my material body to be degraded. Stimulate me to the heights of the farthest corner of space and time. I know of no other refuge. I know of no other salvation. It’s a one sided mirror and a tango with one foot. Less than one. Less than half. I ask of no forgiveness for being too addicted. This is my obsession and my demise. Pages of thoughts left unsaid. I blend in into the white background. Not knowing, not being known. My entity once evolved me, now I create the silence of a thousand leaves. And I shape my mind to knowing, condition my body into feeling. My bad hobby I shall never take away.
Yes, I am a sinner. I am crazy…and you are my bad hobby.
-----
note: not necessarily referring to someone in particular… hmm… or am I ? maybe too much vodka.

my sweet unknown

shouting out to a depth of emptiness
to an abyss of forsaken thoughts
and hungry hearts
wishing i could see
how deep is my own virtue
how strong is my own will
and so i close my eyes
and see to it
that everything surrounding me
was burnt
with ashes of tomorrows left undone
and i forbid myself
to ever get clear
thrown in an illusion
where memories have fade
now the openness
of another wormhole
swallows my entity
and there i see
surrounded in agony
the dying heart of a stranger not
forgotten but embedded
to yesterday’s sunshine
and dead star

part of me will never see
part of me will never feel
the compassion of a weary delusion

and i have found
the emptiness in me
and it is still empty
and ungone
curses and lullabies
beat up the tortured
steam of sorrow’s end
and when i come down
to the gladness of nonentity
i will never know again

so d’you still wanna see
my thoughts?
twisted as they may seem
the truth shall understand
the sorrow shall forgive
the forgotten heart
i tremble within
the flight of my own
compromised past
will no longer accept
and i will no longer crawl . . .

and now all i can say is
Ik verlies mijn gevoel voor alles
wanneer jij niet in mijn buurt bent.

Death on the Field

NEW DELHI-A Brazilian-born soccer player with an Indian club collapsed and died on Sunday, moments after scoring his second goal in his team's 2-0 victory.

Dempo club striker Christiano de Lima Jr., 24, appeared to clash with Mohun Bagan's goalkeeper while scoring and staggered away and collapsed during the final of the Federation Cup, a top inter-club event played in the southern city of Bangalore.

The unconscious player was taken to a hospital but was declared dead by the doctors, Albert Colaco, secretary of the All Indian Football Federation told Reuters.

De Lima was a prolific goal-scorer since arriving in India a few seasons ago.
---------
note no.1: So, be careful on the field next time, Mick xxx
note no.2: Maybe I'll create another blog for non-literature. Well, is this a literary blog anyway?

Let's Go Away for a While

We started a story whose end must not wait.
We began a journey that founded new life.
We spoke a message that bought revolutions to cease.
We saw the unseen. We felt the gaiety of the unknown.
The erotic confrontation that startled our worlds,
has brought rainfalls and snowstorms pause and see.

Now, the stars are watching. Now, the color of the sky is fading.
You’ve come to the rescue of my demented soul
and shouted to the oceans to halt.
Tomorrows are of nothingness. Now is the time. Now is the crusade.
I have lingered the lastingness of your taste.
I have absorbed the essence of your energy.
I have partaken the flesh of your being.
I shall conquer the depths of your soul.

And as I pour you once again in my thoughts,
the sweet scent of your spirit, the enchantment it brings………
I shall flutter my tongue and submit to your substance. I’ll do what I please.
I shall endure the sensation, and soothe my agony.
Your warmth…….. it twitches down my spine. I ache for you.
I feel you to my bones, I feel you down my soul.
I feel the numbness of my body as I feel you within.

And finally I breathe deep and devour the alluring taste of your aura.
Your aura that I shall want over and over, and over and over.
Your aura that I shall…….. never force myself to forget.

--------------------
note: nice Title for a background music...

explosions in the sky

drawn
to the spinning circles
in front of me
attached
to my eyes
and the noise
numbs me
staring beyond
continually
hypnotized
by your flarely gaze
i shrink to proportions
of an empty space
layered
and conquered
now lost
all consciousness.

have you ever found the song.. the music that feels like its all about you? there's a big difference in plainly liking a song or an artist, from adoring (or in my case) obsessing, to seeing.. listening to your own thoughts.

for starters, i have to insert this, my last post was not suppose to sound like that (not in any way related to this topic. i just wanna add that)

explosions in the sky...captured my soul... made music that expresses exactly how i feel. their songs six days at the bottom of the ocean and the only moment we were alone is exactly me, actually, the whole album is. its like looking beyond the image in the mirror and finally liking what you see... and it all started with my fascination with Flying Saucer Attack. its a croos between them and Experimental Audio Research. to a cross-breed of Bowery Electric. But explosions is far far more imprinted to my veins.

I could listen to all their albums over and over, with or without intoxication. if you heard them or try to find them and listen, you'll know what i mean. now im placing them to my list of greatest artists of all time... and i don't care if anyone would disagree.

i think i need to put aside the ghosts in my head now. my insomnia is making things worse. level it all down, when i hypnotize myself into thinking that there is somebody out there ...

...and, as explosions in the sky puts it, the earth is not a cold dead place.

----------
note: the poem was written by me and in not any way concerned with the band explosions in the sky. so please click on the link below to save me from further embarrassment.

jaunty Moogie and the bubbles of silence

…and im desperately grasping for air. I lost contact with reality the moment I didn’t find you there. maybe under the stars our souls will take flight maybe by the sound dust we drift to a common site, then again, maybe, the shadows wrapping our worlds will keep us apart... do we risk disappointments from real facts? maybe. maybe not.

Dreaming my Dreams in the Arms of Sleep…

I don’t care if anyone would bother to read this. I foresee this to be a long post. Maybe I need to see a psychologist, or better yet a psychiatrist.

Lately, I’ve been having dreams of my x-boyfriend. I will not call him lover, for we didn’t go that far. It’s been going on for four consecutive nights, to be exact. And a couple of times last week. And once or twice the week before that. Today, I thought of calling him, maybe say hi or ask what he’s into at the mo. But, I guess he changed his number. A recorded message says the number is not in service. Well, I changed mine too anyway.

When I woke up this morning, I tried to remember all that happened in my dream. I went to this party which he organized. Apparently, it was in his house. But it was bigger than the real one. Funny, oh it wasn’t funny; it was like I was invisible. I do not know if he and everybody else were ignoring me or I was really not there. The feeling was strong, though. I was irritated. How could I arrive with him there and yet he left me sitting down, on a chair in a corner of the room. Although, there were people sitting beside me. The house was full, loud music, drinking, dancing, talking, laughing. But the noise seemed to float past my ears. I can’t hear the music, but I feel the beat. I can’t hear what the people were saying but I see their lips moving, their faces laughing. I see a lot of people, but I don’t see their faces. Then I saw him across the room, sitting lousy on a couch, a glass of wine in his hand, and talking to a crowd. They were all facing him, laughing. It was so like him, I thought. I tried to make him notice me walking towards him, but I was ashamed to interfere. So I went back to my chair. Then I started fixing my coat that I left on the chair, indicating that I am about to leave. Suddenly, two older girls, somewhere in their forties, approached me and kissed me on the cheeks. Giving a gesture that they were about to leave. I thought of hitching a ride with them, but I was having second thoughts on leaving without saying goodbye. Then suddenly, as I turned around, the room was empty. But the traces of the party remained. I looked at the couch where he was sitting and he was still there, looking at me. I need not walk that far, just two steps and wham! I was standing in front of him; he was standing in front of me. I looked in his eyes; a tear ran down his face. He looked down, he held my right hand, his hands were cold. I thought, he was just “pasmado.” But it was icy cold. Then I felt the expression on my face shifted from confused to wretched. Then I woke up. My heart was pounding fast. I wanted to stand up but I was so weak. I grabbed my pillow, buried my face, and then cried. I felt my heart beat twice as fast as normal. And every beat were stinging, like a healed wound callously breaking up and opening again. I cried continuously. And I don’t know why.

Five years ago, I dumped him for another guy. And yes, a year of stupidity came ahead of me. We only went out for a month, but I felt a deeper connection with him compared to the second guy who I spent a whole year with. I thought it was just juvenile love. But I guess it still affects me in a different way today. And for the past relationships I had before and after him, he was the only one that I don’t want to forget. (Eeew.. mushy…)

Erm, do I need to tell the whole story?

Today I dug up previous issues of the fanzines I used to lend him, and ‘zines we used to write. And came up with some realizations that I never thought before.

We did organize a bunch of people to write down their thoughts. Maybe some of them are actual writers now. We created a new language that only a selected crowd knew how to decipher. And helped the most timid boost out their creativity. Yeah, we snatched articles from other ‘zines, but promoted ours in turn. We even made people hate each other and bring others closer. And yeah, we made the after-school more interesting. And this I need to note, he was the one who said our relationship was boring. So I drifted away from him.

Ironic as though it seems, that somewhere between and after the relationship with the second guy, we became close again, but this time in a new level. It was Platonic love. Somebody asked me why I consider Plato the greatest thinker, I have a thousand reasons why. And as cocky as it sounds, we were best friends. Well, at least he calls me his best friend. I knew he was giving signs but I withdrew myself from the thought of stepping forward again, and I made sure he knew that. Well, I think I did. Because when I went out with another guy, he openly expressed his anguish. We gradually stopped talking to each other. But everytime I need a favor and have a big problem, there was nobody else I ran to but him. Even when the time the new guy and I separated, I ran to him, all teary eyes and he opened his arms to me. When I’m all wrapped up in sorrow, he was always there, everytime. No questions asked. And when I finally said it was over between me and the new guy, I said I’d be his friend forever. But the next day, I went back to the new guy. We eventually lost contact since then. I called him once, but he hung up on me.

I unearthed a ‘zine, and I found the last entry I gave. It was bits and pieces of an album by an artist we both liked, and sprinkled in some of my thoughts. But I guess he took it the wrong way, or maybe I wrote it the wrong way:

CARRION

I was building memories on things we have not said.
You never heard; you never tried to listen,
To the messages I gave.
You’ll never live this life that I live
I’ll never again live the life
That makes me wake up at night.
And wakes me with regrets.
You still don’t know who I am.

You said love is monotonous, you cannot bear.
Well then I say,
Gimme mine back and go…
For all I care!

Don’t make this a big deal,
Don’t be so sensitive.
You don’t have to be so defensive.
We’re not playing YOUR game anymore.


I felt that I never did make him feel important as much as I felt he was. Now, I’m trying to express to the people I care for that I do care, but somehow, I just can’t.

I dug up some more, and there it was, the last issue. His last declaration of love and hate for me, found within the pages, and it was obvious. And I thought, what a cruel world I must have given him. And now it’s all coming back at me tenfold.

----
note: So, now you know me, would it change a thing? (referring this to…. Well, you know who you are)

dRizzle

calling out
your name in my head
a thousand distance
of a blank stare
the scent of sunset embraces me
as you lit the candle
afloat our dreams
in the still light
in the arms of slumber
be dead to the world,
and our thoughts linger on
quiet in the dark
with many eyes staring
but we,
gentle as the sound
understood it all…

rain
shall never take you away
for its shower
offered you to me.
but lightnings
brought the cessation of dreams
cast out in the twilight
and now as I call out your name
across both worlds,
the echo of my soul
fades out with the sound.

still I know,
still
we will forever be one
and the weakness remains.

----------------------
note: This is the original version. I attempted to put some notes for this one and tried to turn it into a song. But due to harmony and chord patterns, some words were rearranged and deleted. Resulted to two totally different songs. With appologies to those who heard this... hope i didn't hurt your ears... lacht voluit...

If wishes were Horses

falling inlove again... with my pc that is. a fine day for reconcilliation.

windows xp is damn cool, that is if you have an Intel PERL motherboard... and im just a stupid buff! its suppose to be so darn easy, no need for a professional computer technician slash and or geek. I forgot all about System Restore It! (comes with the Intel installer) lol... I can restart and load my settings the last time I remembered them fixed. and I stupidly downloaded this and that... only crowded my space. Now im cleaning them up... manually. Thanks to my instincts. Well, uninterrupted 12 hours into internet space, sore eyelids and crampy fingers almost brought me to the brink of dementia. And dementia begins with failing attention and memory, loss of mathematical ability, irritability and loss of sense of humor, and poor orientation in space and time.

And no thanks to microsoft. I emailed them my prob but replied with tons of links that didn't gave me a solution. Oh, wasted pre-paid connection time. Well, I promised to thank by the way these two ppl from winmx p2p room, Troublefriends... even if they didn't actually told me exactly what to do... lol. Although the short lecture on bits and bytes that were totally outta my topic was quite informative. Oh, forgot their names... too much intoxication... and yeah 1/8 bits make up 1 byte. or is it the other way around? lmao...

And after successfully fixing my pc; almost finished a half-filled bottle of Mateus, I spinned off my top five falling inlove albums. here's my list ....

FALLING IN-LOVE ALBUMS:

1. Glider - My Bloody Valentine
2. Population Four - Cranes
3. At the Height of Summer - July Skies
4. Holiday in Rhode Island - The Softies
5. If Wishes Were Horses - Blueboy

For a media player, my priorities are straight. visualization, color enhancement and skin chooser. Besides, i've got nero to take care of my rips and cool altec lansing speakers and subwoofer to deal with my ears. *kisses my pc monitor... coz there's nobody else physically here to kiss...

note: Marco, your comment was too late, but tnx anyway, Are you in Brazil?!?

venice, paris and holding hands

Treytreyer
Trey-trey-er
Trey-treyer
Treyt-rey-er
Treyt-re-yer
Tr-ey-tre-yer.... that is not a stupid name. haaayyy....

note: i know somebody's gonna get jealous.

windows media player10 error

pleeeeassss help!

specs: windows xp pro
15 GB free space
intel pentium 4, 2.6 HT
256 MB RAm

here's the prob:

last night , my pc color settings crashed down to 4bit when i opened my pc.i fixed it tho, unistalling my NVIDIA then reinstalling again.
but when i tried to open my music and/or video files, error message appeared:

"Windows Media Player is not installed properly and must be reinstalled.Do you want to install the Player from the Microsoft Web Site?"

i clicked yes.

then downloaded the wmp 10, which i already have for months now. (and using it everyday). after, i clicked the MP10Setup.exe, it extracted but this error message appeared:

" An unexpected error has occured. Setup was not able to detect any Windows Media updates. Please try again."

i clicked ok. nothing happened.

i went to windowsupdate to check if my pc was updated. it says:

"Your computer appears to be up-to-date; no critical or security updates are available at this time."

....whats wrong with my pc? pls help!!!!! i need my windows media player back!!!!

-------------------------
note: living in a third world country sucks bigtime!!!

tHOUGHTs oN nOTHINGNEss

I am insane. Nothing makes meaning to me. Whatever I do, however I think. I’ve been feeling numb since the day I first remember. I have no voice. I cannot speak. I cannot breathe. I don’t need to take this shit from you, from all of you…

What’s wrong with me?
And so they say I’m the one withdrawing. I’m the one hard to understand. I’m the one acting oppressed, deprived, although I am not. Or am I?

I am very sick. That is a statement…
And how I hope to be normal like them. Why did I become like this anyway? Obscure.

I can’t find any contentment although I cannot move a step forward. Tragedy.

I’m fond of staring at an empty space. Is there anybody like me? I don’t care! I don’t give a damn about myself either. Something’s pulling me back, preventing me to move on. Where should I move on to anyway? I wake up to find myself asleep. I have no time for anything. Time has no value to me. You left me in but I just fold.

I pick up a mirror, look at it and I saw a stranger staring back at me. I looked at him, he looks at me. He looked so sad. I had to see what did he want. And I found nothing. Is there anything? I’m better off blind I said. Than a blind soul grasping from a blown off candlelight.

I have to wait ‘til my tears freezes over to see the reflection of my thoughts. Wasting away, I waited for you to take me but my flight instead sank me. And I distort my head with deafening silence and the scent of burning misery. I lost what I once found in me. I am lost and I have found nothing.

I tread a journey ending up in circles and I am here again where I once started. Nothing’s moving. Everything’s still, and will stay forever.

I lost track of my self delusion, I am incapable of transcendence. And the reason for my own collapse. My departing soul recedes from all I see. From all I’ve been; my inauspicious state. I never want to leave. Although I am nil. I do not exist. Or should I wish to be? I am but rubbish. Empty.

And I say to myself, and I know, nobody has found me. No one can penetrate me, they only see what’s in their own fancy…
-------------------------------------
to set the mood: listen to Hayden’s everything I long for album

CYBER

Late night thinking
In the darkness I crawl
Space enveloped my soul
Searching…
Speaking…
Without a hum;
An unsounded utter.
I recite the pretense
In straight lines.
The shadow covering my sight
Swallows every word.
Naïve convention of thoughts
Yet earnestly spoken,
Spontaneously earned.
Mystified shadow,
I’m bewildered by thy words
Your mind transcends all knowing.
Liberate my thoughts from being
Locked up and drowning.
Feared yet fancied
Contrived yet undoubted
Guilty weaknesses…
You have touched my soul;
And captured my essence.
My relentlessly whirling world
Hindered by the shadow’s aura,
Paused and saw
And feel…
And fall…
In the motion of waves
We follow
Closed my eyes deeper
Breathlessly shown
Endlessly shatter.
The shadow have captured me
Cuffed me to eternal bliss
Left me in the prison
Of our identity.
==========================
Background Music: "To Be" by the Cranes
[Note:] the last line that drifts with the sound:
---- light of my life, fire of my dreams. My sin, my soul, my Plato.

things i do everyday

1. wake up, smoke, and miss you
2. shower, smoke, and miss you
3. do some stuff, smoke, and miss you
4. eat brunch, smoke, and miss you
5. shuffle stuff, smoke, and miss you
6. go out, smoke, and miss you
7. eat dinner, smoke, and miss you
8. watch tv, smoke, and miss you
9. listen to music, smoke, and miss you
10. read and write something, smoke, and miss you
11. think of something, smoke a few more, and miss you
12. go to bed, smoke, and miss you

p.s. i don't want you to understand. i just want you to know
-I MISS YOU REAL BAD!

A Treatise On Why Jocks Make the Worst Kind of Boyfriend

by: Adelide

Hi girls! I bet you don't know me... it's okay, 'coz I dunno you either! Am I cutely nauseating or what? Anyways, I got a call from the boss of this site saying, "Hey Adie, old buddy, my mind's too distraught and muddled up right now. Could you do me a favor and write the best article of your life regarding your most favorite topic?" Now, how could I refuse that? So with nothing but clothes, money and boys in my main field of interest, I might as well do the most exciting of the three--- boys, of course.

Admit it, even if you're an old sour spinster or a happily married housewife, you have to be interested in boys. Othewise, you might as well be a being from outer space. Why do you think are there many nuns in the seminaries?

I've had my fill of the different kind of boys--- the geek, the nerd, the musician (with the long hair he barely shampoos, among other things), the effeminate and others. But I have to say that the jock makes the worst kind. Naturally, most girls have fantasized about guys with bulging muscles, hairy chests, beautifully sculpted butts and long sinewy thighs. Unfortunately, they'd rather pamper that gorgeous body he has rather than pamper your sexual fantasies and craving. "Sorry luv, I can't make love with you tonight because I'm too tired for my body-building sessions later. And my basketball practice too." But I'm sure he won't be too tired if YOU're the one who's going to do all the job. maybe out of a sheer revenge, you could borrow your girl/lesbian friend's vibrator/dildo and show him how it feels when a cold piece of pseudo dick is randomly struck in any orifice of his body. Ain't that sweet revenge?

Sure, you may have a great looking trophy to flaunt but when it gets down to the nitty-gritty --- girl, you ain't got no satisfaction. Not sexually, not mentally, not even verbally. The only ace you've got is that you'll always have a beautiful sight. As if sights make up for everything! Believe me when I tell you, Danny Devito is defenitely sexier than his chum Arnold. And thank God Mel Gibson, the un-jock hunk has got enough kids to prove his prowess.

Did I hurt you Ashley sweetie? Nerdjock's also a nerd--- there's hope for him yet.

:: :: :: ::

ADELIDE writes for Catatonia, a local fanzine with correspondences from CA, NY, IL, USA. Although I have no idea when was the last time they published an issue or if they are still existing. Posted this page from their 'zine and I know Donna wouldn't mind.
NERDJOCK is i think Ashley's boyfriend. Ashley is... hmm... i do not know who Ashley is.

insomnia and fish crackers

im thinking of posting articles from diff 'zines. im thinking of lightening up a bit. maybe put up some interview with some nobody. maybe post some pictures or album covers. although i do not know how. or impatient to wait for a complete upload. dial-up sucks. cable sucks even more. dsl sucks. and having no money make it all suck. im still waiting for my phone bill. i think there is some hidden fee from this site. i think the magna carta for students are long time overdue. students here in the philippines need better teachers. i was never allowed to any youth for christ campout. i think sonic youth's latest album, sonic nurse is a storm! three storms just passed by the country this week. and expecting another one this week. at least 420 people died. thousands lost their homes. hundreds more still missing. i miss my boyfriend from another continent. wish i had a webcam. wish i know what italian composer Paolo Conte was singing about. i think im about to finish my downloads. Low Dream from Brazil is so damn COOL! wish i could post an interview with them here. Another new found obsession: Angels of Light. fave song: Song for Nico. are they found in amg? i found my lost suitcase. inside my wallet. er, or was it the other way around? i always jog around the block twice every morning. its already 4am and my pillows are still rejecting me. i think i need to buy new ones. i think The cranes' Beautiful Sadness is skipping. damn download! it is skipping! i think its about 20 degrees here. i think in london its 6. i think id eat snow for breakfast. oh i forgot, it doesn't snow here. i think thinking too much would make my face look older. i think i forgot to buy another pack of fish crackers. i think i need a smoke. pass me the pot please...