BLAH BLAH HTML...

hey. its not even a friday. nobody's home (well, this I actually like). and nobody's online! whattha! yea, I know I said I won't be posting for a while. erase that. it's just one of my panic-attacks. now im clicking thru and reading random blogs. and yep, wasting pre-paid internet time. (ya all know how sloooow my crappy connection is tho) and erm, im pathetically refreshing my inbox over and over. waiting for emails esp from my ambres! (yes, and im declaring his name out loud... Ambres!) hey, his blog isn't up at the mo. sniff*

and nothing's goin on at slsk, not even my wishlist. arg! all my dloads are in queue like 50-ish or more than a 100th. and the home.nl page shared to me have the 6th song onwards undownloadable. brr...

there is a constantly appearing pop up that says I should upgrade my Windows Internet Explorer. hmm.. I dunno if I should trust this one. so im repeatedly clicking "no".

so now, I only have the chioce to update my blog, or edit html, blah blah. then I searched for free music links and found this site.

woah! cool skin and intro (with music, of course) but currently no shared html music links. blah! althought a good choice of name for a site... kinda reminds me of the Ocean Blue's Cerulean album. ha! you can choose from their background templates tho. and yes, it's free. but don't link to their page as it crowds their bandwidth(webmaster emphasizes this) blah.

ok, fine. search some more... ooh. ooh. tutorials! mmm... trying the codes to color my scrollbar. mmm.. from aol. well, it does show when I preview it. prob is when I saved my template, and "view blog" it doesn't show. blah! and it took me a while to edit the colors.. brr..

here's a cute html.circular mouse curser now this I've gotta try.

ooh, wait. I've got mail!

hah, from my aunt in LA. sent me their family pictures from last christmas and new year. hmm... miss my cousins! now i've gotta reply on this. they wanted me to study up Nursing. well, dunno if I can do that. nothing to lose, they said. hmm.. i say maybe internet time. hah! im such a bum.

clicking some more...

more tutorials...

doesn't work.

search again...

blah! java. can't understand this.

brrr...
searching. waiting. weee! my ambres is online. oh, well... see y'all.

-----
note: now posting while jumping like a child with a skip rope...

A Dream Within A Dream

By: Edgar Allan Poe


Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-----
note: no added notes here... just me having the same thoughts..

probably won’t ever

I am in a bubble
hovering among endless space
My mind boils
and evaporates with the fume
of treadlesness
I’ve never known
the meaning of it all
probably, won’t ever

For the fragments of a forgotten past
eats out my energy and breath
Hate me for no reason
Or no reason
you leave me

I’m a useless beat
for a rhythm of undying agony
My thoughts least pardon
laid down to a rest
And my breath shall triumph once more
among beasts gone decay

Nothing is my virtue
And my life washes down the drain
For no one can see the inner me
And probably, won’t ever.

proposal left on a dangle

Please bear with me. Guess, I had too much vodka…. Or wish I had.
Too much things running inside my head. I do not want to think at the moment, nor do I want to stop to think about you. But…

Are you for real? Am I for real? Is that love that you feel? I mean, is it Really Love? This is a risk. And should I take this risk? Are you ready to take this risk with me? This is a gamble of fate. Of happiness. What are your intentions? What are My intentions? Do you really mean what you say? I will not ask if I do, coz I do, and that is the lone fact that binds everything else. You know, lust is not the driving point for me. But how clear are you on me regarding this matter? I have always been fantasizing of going to Athens with you… (hence, the already existing files about passports and visas) But I am not a heroine from a novel. I am not a nymph ready to grant any wishes. For my own desires are locked inside myself.

The step we are going to take, if ever materialized, is dangerous, profound, and yet solemn in every little aspect that may seem. But the sincerity is vague. Round-trip ticket? Staying for how long? Staying for what reason? We should be clear about our decisions. This may be a leap of faith. Or a leap to tragedie. I don’t wanna burry myself with endless sorrow… I don’t wanna feel worn out again… nor do I wanna burry myself with thoughts of endless “what if’s”. What pain shall I tolerate? The pain of being away from everything I know, and grew up knowing? Or the possible pain of being alone in a place I never knew?

And now, nothing from you for the past week is all the more confusing me. And then again... can I handle you? Can you handle me? You know my numbers. You know my mails. But nothing. And yes... NOTHING. Not a word. Not a ring. Not a smoke signal.

And now I fear... does nothing mean nothing? Do I have meaning to you at all?

-----

note: a forgotten letter written a long time ago for someone whose name I already forgot... or wish to forget.

ik wil wegdromen in jou armen 

ALONE

by: Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

----
Yes, poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Need I say more?

Soaring with Syd Barrett . . .

A ring.

shivering

non-silence.

Waterfalls

drowning

floating

stones

fishes

bubbles

air

breeze

mist

clouds

raindrops

storm

tornadoes

flying

screaming

beauty

rainbows

fireflies

leaves

fields

wind

circling

hair

falling

soft sheets

crawling

lying

coughing

smoke

fog

taste.

Linger.

Disconnect.

----

note: Or should I say ...Nico meets Velvet in the Underground of Heaven (?)
nhe, that's a different story...

-=-SULLEN-=-

Today I celebrate
The death of my vanity
And all my pretensions
Concealed within its grave

Lost
Wanting
And nowhere to be found
My nonexistent being
Melts away…

I yearn with dismay
For my inauspicious state
Tuant, empty,
Weak.

I have nothing
Much less to offer
To myself
But my perplexed undetermined
Peevishness.

Down by the tantamount
Countless tears
Shed through the skin
I weep
A loud mockery
Of my own self.

And the world shifted
With what’s left of me
A feverent continuality.

Whatever it takes
Whatever I do
Into the light outside
The other half of me
Will continue to speak
In a circulation within
Needless of scrutiny
Imbedded.
Hidden.
To the depths of my soul.

. . . . . .Sonneta. . . . . .

There I was in a world
Unknown. Untouched.
Behind all the agony
Behind all the fallacies
The remnant of a shattered memory
Drawing near
Falling far apart
And all that’s left
All that’s gone
Is me.

STALK

I dream for you
To be for you
But all the time your window is closed
I see you through the glass
A reflection of myself maybe falls
Between us when the sun comes out ...

... so give me life and soul to go
When the sun shines bright
And give me love and lust and hope
In the darkest night ...

Your blinds are blind
And your cats want the birds
In my garden heaven
Where I'm lodging tonight
And the glass in your window
Is killing tomorrow for me ...

Closer and closer ...
we can't get much older
I'm smashing but breaking
My heart has awoken
These windows will soon shatter for me
It's black on the outside
It's black on the inside
Together we'll make it
Darkness sedated to grey ...

But the bars at your window
Are killing tomorrow for me ...

... so give me life and soul to go
When the sun shines bright
And give me love and lust and hope
In the darkest night ...

-----
note: Track 5 of Population Four - by the Cranes

i can't really get enough of this song. i can play it on repeat mode for more than 30 minutes, or more than an hour, and i still am dazed. just staring at nothing. thinking about everything.